Category Archives: Family

Hurting People Hurt People

Have you ever heard of this phrase? Hurting people hurt people.

People who feel hurt within themselves tend to inflict hurt on other people… innocent people… people who never did them any wrong. And many times, the hurt they have within themselves fester there because of… themselves and their sick desire to remain that way.

And what pains me even more is when they hurt their immediate family members, especially the young ones, who, in turn, hurt others. And the curse continues down the generations until there are no more offspring or one or all of them decide that the curse ends with them and cuts all such ties.

It is unfortunate that such people are more common than we really know.

One encounter comes to mind and it was at an old folks’ home where I served with at-risk children I befriended. The children came to spread some Christmas cheer with such innocence and some even with genuine eagerness. Yet, we met quite a number of nasty old folks who yelled nasty things at us no matter what we did. Fortunately, there were really nice and warm folks as well. And for some unknown reason, our children had only kind responses even to the nasty old folks. Overall, things happened pleasantly even as some old folks grumbled unhappily all the way.

I think the nice “grandmas” and “grandpas” sort of gave the kids a perspective of our mortal life which made the kids leave the place a little bit more mature (and some even in tears).

Then there are the sporadic encounters on the streets. You might walk past them from time to time. Recently, an old lady was blocking a passageway and I softly requested for her to “excuse me” for me to get past. She told me to “Get out of here! Get lost! Excuse me, excuse me?!?!” It was as if I had done her such wrong. I just quietly left her. I can only imagine all the bitterness she must have harboured in her soul over the years.

I’ve also seen how a person hurt by whatever, now still feeling very easily hurt and appears to desire hurting others. Her behaviour is very unpredictable and can be quite extreme (by my own standards, that is). She appears to find joy or relief in hurting other people. She also appears to be hyper easily offended even over the most innocent and harmless happening. That is… not only does she feel offended by people’s innocent words and actions, she even feels offended by incidents and ties the incidents to people she thinks are offending her.

She may profess to love others, especially her own children, but I seriously doubt she has grasped true love. Her child exhibits similar traits and jumps at every opportunity to get another child, whom she is jealous of, into trouble. And there is this almost sick-like pleasure she seems to get when the other child feels hurt by her.

In order to get the other child into trouble, she is willing to lie, act innocent and even whisper things into that child’s ear to make her do things the other child would get punished for. So much so that I don’t even know how to correct that child, especially when I know the root cause is not coming from the child herself… albeit the wrong seed planted in her is already a seedling.

To hurt the other child’s feelings, she will simply give the cold shoulder when the other child wants her attention.

I know the child is not really aware of what she is doing. She is only acting out what she has learned from her role model at home. She is a hurting little girl who is hurting someone else to ease her own pain.

How do you help such a little girl before her seedling becomes a young plant and even into a tree that becomes scarring to uproot?

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The Importance of Multilingualism

When she was still a baby, we spoke plainly with each other.
When she began understanding English, we spelt certain key words to avoid her understanding. E.g. “should we bring her to the p-l-a-y-g-r-o-u-n-d or should she n-a-p?”
When she began to understand some of these spellings, we started using Mandarin keywords.
…and then it became full Mandarin sentences.
Now that she understands Mandarin, we speak in Teochew but it is getting really hard cos our own Teochew is so SSOOO limited.
This is the end of our secret conversations with each other.
Should have learned more languages in the past. But who knew it was so important for parenting! haha!!!

The Deterioration of the SAHM

Many article and blogs I’ve read talk about how being a stay home mum is not easy at all. Over tea and other meet up sessions with friends, the corporate workers and the SAHMs sometimes compare with each other regarding which job is harder. The common topics brought up are no time for baths, no time for toilet breaks, no time to eat, no time to drink, no sleep, no me-time, etc.

One thing that I’ve yet to encounter reading is the physical deterioration of the stay home mother. So I’ve decided to contribute this to the cloud.

Feet

Ever since I started being a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM), the first deterioration that began was not bladder damage but the soles of my feet.

The skin became hide.

The smoothness became like the jagged edges of cliffs.

And oh… that splitting flesh!!! Yes. You read it right. My flesh around the toes began to split and they hurt like hell. I walked around with toes wrapped in bandages and often tip-heeling (as opposed to tip-toeing).

Spine/Back

And then came the spine. My lower back started to hurt at first. Then I started feeling tingling sensations in my legs over weeks until one day, I felt a diminished control over my legs. It frightened me so I laid down as much as possible that day. But it didn’t make any difference. The next day, I did some stretching exercises for the lower back. Fortunately, the situation reversed. Within 2 days of the exercise, I was back to normal. Phew!

Hands

My hands did not turn out as bad as my feet but it wasn’t too good either. My flesh parted from the nails (just 1 finger of each hand) and cuticles were painful from drying out due to washing stuff (and bathing kids) all day.

Legs/Skin

The most recent dreadfulness that came upon me is itching legs…

ENTIRE. ITCHING. LEGS.

I have no idea what the cause really is but I suspect it is due to over-drying from bathing my kids. On avg, my legs get bathed 4 times a day (more if I mop the floor and such). Twice for baby. Once for preschooler and the last for myself.

Another possibility is being over-bitten by bugs . Was bitten all over my sand-flies at first. Then as those bites healed, I had another round from mosquito bites. Been cycling my kid to and from school almost everyday (instead of sitting in air-con meeting rooms) and probably the exercise + sweat sweetened the meal for these bugs.

It’s been more than 2 weeks and I’ve not found a way to get rid of the itch (just got a new mosquito bite last night). I now have some “50 cents”, “20 cents” and “10 cents” marks on my legs from over-scratching.

I’m pretty sure there are other sorts of deterioration for different people, depending on one’s fitness level.

Maybe for some SAHMs, they do not really get these because they have an extensive beauty regime (done with kids clambering around), have others to help out with the house and kids, or are just very fit to begin with and manage to maintain that fitness level (with kids in tow).

There you have it.

Besides knowing that being a SAHM may actually mean more work and challenges than other city-life jobs, now you know it also takes a toll on your physical body as well. Do you still want to be one?

Do share your own experiences… especially if you had itching legs before and found a way to recover.