Disclosure (tips for my family and family friends)

One of the very common questions we get when people find  out that our daughter is adopted is… “Are you gonna tell her?”  Our resounding answer is “YES!!!”  Some respond encouragingly and some worryingly warn us against it.

Those who told us to cover up or tell her when she is grown believe that she is likely to leave us for her biological parents if we told her.  But they do not realise that it does more damage – broken trust and greater hurt/pain that takes way longer to heal in an adult than in a child… teenage years are probably the most precarious years.

For family and close friends reading this… please view this as a fact of my baby’s life that she has nothing to be ashamed of.  Start her young so that she does not get a shock later in life when the truth becomes harder to cope with.  Do not lie to her else trust between you and her will be broken and multiple lies by multiple parties will leave her confused.  Be gentle and careful with your choice of words.  Good intentions when expressed wrongly can do more harm than good.  There is no need to deliberately talk about this with her.  She could just blurt out questions to you at any time.  Keep it natural and age-appropriate.  Do not be secretive (which implies shame) but keep it private (no need to go around making declarations to Tom, Dick and Harry when they didn’t ask or need to know).  “Blood is thicker than water” is a popular saying but we all know that it is love that makes a family.  When unsure… feel free to refer her to her mummy and daddy for the answers.

She also may never bother with or be bothered by her origin.  Every person is different so we will just go with the flow.

Last but probably the most important thing of all…  love her like your very own. 🙂

Some terms to use or not to use…

WRONG: Mummy and daddy are not your real parents.

RIGHT: They are your Forever Mummy and Forever Daddy.

WRONG: Your real parents gave you up for adoption.

RIGHT: Your biological/natural parents had to put you up for adoption.

WRONG: Your real mother.

RIGHT: Your tummy mummy / biological mother / first mummy.


One thought on “Disclosure (tips for my family and family friends)

  1. What a nice post, and so true! A few of my kids look a lot different than I do, so it was easy for people to tell. However, when people ask me if they are my “real” children, I say of COURSE they are!

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