I Wanna Grow Up Series: (4) I am 2 Years Old and I Wanna be 3

Swing swing swing… I’m holding to top of the swimming pool ladder in my pretty party dress and sandles and swinging 1 foot to and fro.  Swing swing swing…

Then came auntie who warned me that my sandles could fling into the pool.  No one brought their swim suits and hence, no one was going to jump into the pool to retrieve my shoes.  That is not a problem at all to me.  I’ve been into the swimming pool many times!  Retrieving it myself was not a problem so I told her, “I can get it myself!”  Then auntie told me that it was a large and deep adult pool.  “Do you know how to put your head underwater?  Do you know how to search for your sandal while your head is underwater?”  I thought for a while and I think she had a point.  So I decided that maybe I should play around the small pool instead.  Just in case aunt didn’t know what I meant, I formed a small circle with my thumbs and forefingers and showed her while I said, “I want to go to the small pool.  The small small pool.”

But alas, the small pool was blocked. Grandpa said it was under renovation.

But I’m cool with it cos I wanted to play at the staircase anyway.

***

“Give me a hug!” says grandpa.  “Give me a hug!” says grandaunt.  “Give me a hug!” says daddy.  “Give me a hug!” says auntie.

Aarrggh… what is with these people?  Can’t they just leave me to play alone with my toys?

I tried something new recently.  I decided to let grandpa hug me once.  I warned him that that was enough.  But he did it again and it was so maddening!  I screamed at him and grandaunt told me to apologise for that was rude.  This is so unfair!!!  I told grandpa nicely at first but he didn’t obey.  So I had to be more forceful.  That’s what these adults do to me too… they speak to me nicely at first and when I don’t obey, they talk to me forcefully but do not need apologise to me.  But I have to?  This is so not fair!!!  Hmmpph!!!

***

I met Mummy’s friend many times.  She has a son named Thomas.  Thomas is taller, runs a lot faster, speaks a lot better and seems to have all kinds of ideas of what to do when our mummies trap us in a room.  He is always thinking of new things to do with the toys and new places to run to and explore.  I like imitating him.  Always so fun.

I also want to always find different ways to play with the toys and let other babies copy me like that.

I want to be just like Thomas.

Disclosure (tips for my family and family friends)

One of the very common questions we get when people find  out that our daughter is adopted is… “Are you gonna tell her?”  Our resounding answer is “YES!!!”  Some respond encouragingly and some worryingly warn us against it.

Those who told us to cover up or tell her when she is grown believe that she is likely to leave us for her biological parents if we told her.  But they do not realise that it does more damage – broken trust and greater hurt/pain that takes way longer to heal in an adult than in a child… teenage years are probably the most precarious years.

For family and close friends reading this… please view this as a fact of my baby’s life that she has nothing to be ashamed of.  Start her young so that she does not get a shock later in life when the truth becomes harder to cope with.  Do not lie to her else trust between you and her will be broken and multiple lies by multiple parties will leave her confused.  Be gentle and careful with your choice of words.  Good intentions when expressed wrongly can do more harm than good.  There is no need to deliberately talk about this with her.  She could just blurt out questions to you at any time.  Keep it natural and age-appropriate.  Do not be secretive (which implies shame) but keep it private (no need to go around making declarations to Tom, Dick and Harry when they didn’t ask or need to know).  ”Blood is thicker than water” is a popular saying but we all know that it is love that makes a family.  When unsure… feel free to refer her to her mummy and daddy for the answers.

She also may never bother with or be bothered by her origin.  Every person is different so we will just go with the flow.

Last but probably the most important thing of all…  love her like your very own.

Some terms to use or not to use…

WRONG: Mummy and daddy are not your real parents.

RIGHT: They are your Forever Mummy and Forever Daddy.

WRONG: Your real parents gave you up for adoption.

RIGHT: Your biological/natural parents had to put you up for adoption.

WRONG: Your real mother.

RIGHT: Your tummy mummy / biological mother / first mummy.

Oozing of Cuddly Cuteness

21 Jan 2013 was D Day…  The day my little baby girl arrived at Changi Airport Terminal 2. 

Just within the 24 hours before her arrival, I was panicking on the inside.  Are we ready?  Have we bought everything?  What if we missed out something critical?  What if she falls sick?  What if she misses her nanny?  Do we really want to do this?  What if we changed our minds?  Are we too cruel/irresponsible if we changed our minds?  What if she is stressed and traumatised?

When she was placed in my arms, those worries did not go away.  But they did not hang around for long either.

I brought her to my mum’s place as my husband had to rush off for night class.  There, she smiled at everyone and fell straight asleep… that’s when my worries disappeared.

That evening when we brought her home, we woke up every 2 hours (or even more often than that).  It was mostly because we did not know that babies have irregular breathing patterns.  We were so worried whenever we stopped hearing her breathing.  We will go really near her and stare at her in the dark for signs of movements.  Once we see movements or hear breathing, we return to bed… for just a short while.

The first week was crazy.  Not a single day were we home to help her settle in, settle her ruffled feathers.  We had to bring her out everyday for the Doctor, the Lawyer, visit family, etc.  It went by in a blur that I have difficulty recalling what we actually did.  I actually suffered from severe headache, numbness and appeared apathetic (to tired).  By the first Sunday, all 3 of us were exhausted.  We could finally be alone at home for 1 whole day. 

The days that followed were days of enjoying her utter cuteness oozing out of her at every moment – looking serious, dazed, crying, smiling, laughing…. oh so cute!  And it was amazing how she grew and got stronger everyday! 

Fast forward 3 weeks to today.  She just got herself up into sitting position from a 45 degree angle and leaned forward to reach for her sock on the bed.  When she first arrived, even her head required support.  3 weeks is so much for a little baby like that.

She simply totally oozes of cuteness.

Adoption

What Adoption Really Is About

Adoption.  It has always sounded as a very nice word to me.  A word that says that a couple is giving love, comfort, and safety to a child who might otherwise have none of those.  Or, in the words of an adoption agency,

Adoption is where you find a family for a child, not a child for a family.

The Wrong Mindset

I am aware of those who have wrong mindsets.  They treat adopted children as plugs – stuff to fill their personal gaps or desires with.  But it never really hit me how hurtful those mindsets are until I recently faced the situation myself.  I had a conversation with two parents.  The two parents rejected adopting children of other races cos they were seen as “useless” races.  One of them even rejected girls because girls were “useless” in carrying on the family name.  I felt hurt for these children.

Not accepting another race for practical reasons (e.g. not knowing how to help child overcome the obvious difference in skin colour) may still be a reasonable concern.  But not accepting another race because other races were “useless” was appalling to me!!!  Not accepting girls because you already have many daughters and want sons to play rough with may still be acceptable but calling a girl “useless” was really painful because it was precisely because of this mindset that there are so many unwanted girls out there.  Me, being a girl myself, instantly felt rejected too.

And then there is a host of other various wrong reasons or unkind words people with wrong mindsets have:

• all adopted children are unwanted children (meaning the child is unlovable)
• “you are not your mother’s child” (meaning “you do not belong”)
• having children means they can look after you when you are old (meaning that children are utilities, resources, objects to be used)
• a married couple must have children to have a complete family (I think life is lot easier without kids! haha!)
• “your adoptive parents don’t really love you” (actually, adoptive parents still must provide discipline. It’s part of the package called love.)
• “you don’t look like your parents” (the person who said this is just plain insensitive regardless whether the child is the adopted or biological child)
• eee… why you different colour?… your mother slept with another man? (the person who said this is uneducated and ignorant)
• Not having a son (or own children in general) means you are not filial to your parents (one of the unnecessary burdens put on by Confucius… makes some people die feeling guilty or unfulfilled)
• “Asked you to bring your mum, not your maid” (an actual comment made by actual Sch Principal to actual Indian child with Chinese mother)

and the list goes on.

Being Practical with Our Own Adoption

My husband and I are adopting… an affair that could possibly be quite simple if there were only 2 of us in our family world.  We are open to any race and any gender.  But coming from large and complex extended families from both sides with some relatives who still carry stingingly wrong mindsets, we had to think really carefully.

We are not bothered by what the world thinks of or treats our adopted child.  Because there is nothing we can do about that.  What is within our control is the love and assurance we give our child.  The next most important thing is what our immediate families think of him/her.  Other than us, his/her parents, our immediate families will be his/her next level of safe haven she should be able to turn to when hurt by the outside world.

And for such practical reasons, we decided to stick with chinese-looking children… for now.  However, we are not going to insist on boys-only adoption.  That’s going a bit too far.

The Amazing 2-year-old

You know… 2 year olds love to imitate.  they are at the age whereby they repeat everything you say and do.

Was playing with my little niece over the weekend and she was imitating me most of the time.

I skipped to and fro in front of her and said “I am skipping! I am skipping!”  thinking that she would imitate me as usual.  She observed me for a while and probably decided that she didn’t know how to skip and ran and screamed “I run! I run!”

After that, i skipped to the sofa and sat down and shouted “I sit down!”  She tried to climb onto the sofa but decided that it would take her too long to get onto the sofa.  So she toppled over instead and said “I fall down!”

Firstly, I’m so amazed by her wittiness to switch to something else when she realised that she could not imitate exactly.

Secondly, she chose actions which were somewhat still associated with what I was doing.

Children’s ability to observe and learn is amazing!

Oh… on top of that, her multi tasking ability is also super amazing.  Before she could talk, when she just started toddling, she would be playing with something and when you asked her questions (e.g. have you eaten?), she will answer by nodding or shaking her head whilst still playing with the object!!!  And her answers are usually correct!!!

Recently as a 2 year old, she was playing with her kitchen set… frying a toy fish and adding imaginary sauce.  I asked her what she did in school that day and she said “I do dancing!”… and swayed her body side to side WHILE still frying her fish and pouring the sauce!!!!

AMAZING!!!  and obviously super cute!!!

Short Hair? Long Hair? Medium Length Hair? Oh I Can’t Decide!

When I was in primary school and younger, I had the “bowl” haircut most of the time.  My dad used to make use of his children as hairdressing dummies.  He’d try different hairstyles on us.  His favourite on my brother was the shaven bald head.  For me, it was the bowl haircut – it looked like a bowl was placed over my head and the hair was cut along the edges of the bowl.  I feel real goon looking at my kid photos but I think it was the fashion back then.

There were periods during my kindergarten and primary school days when I had long hair.  My grandma would tie my hair up into 2 ponytails most of the time.  Back then, raw rubber bands were used (unlike the scrunchies and what nots used today).  Hair-tying routines hurt big time.

One of those years, my mum (or dad?) bought me some DIY kit for perming hair.  I spent hours applying the lotion into my hair and twisting it into a knotty mess.  I looked like Medusa in the end.

Medusa by Arnold Böcklin, circa 1878 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As a teenager, I experimented on several different hairstyles.  Changed style every 2 years or so.

• Plain long hair.  No bangs/fringe.
• Plain long hair with side swept bangs.
• Permed medium length hair – dry look and wet look (a.k.a. maggi mee hair)
• Short bob (above the ears)
• Layered long hair

And then I got lazy and kept plain long hair again for most parts of my univ days and early work life.  Whenever I went around with my hair let down, I reminded friends of the ghostly spirit in the television of The Ring.  I was this ghostly apparition for quite a number of years.  Btw, for those who do not know me, I’m naturally fair and pale looking and I do not have the habit of wearing make-up.

01 :: SADAKO (Photo credit: anelasama)

And then just a year or so ago, I decided to chop it off again.  This time, a layered shoulder-length shag look.  I thought having the shaggy (messy) look meant that I could just wake up every morning and walk out of the house.  Boy was I so wrong.  The shag look had to be groomed into being!!!  Lo and behold! That hairstyle survived a mere 2 hair washes!!!

I grew that hair out.  And my hair, just like the rest of my body, has been changing as I age.  It has become naturally wavy and this was the natural result:

Meg Ryan and Jeff Skoll (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Of course I looked a lot worse than Meg Ryan!  My hair is a lot thicker and hence, twice as puffed up as what you see above… something I do not like to show to the world.

Today, I have the shortest crop I’ve ever had.  The short above-the-ears bob I had in secondary school is back but with a whole lot more layering to thin out the hair and also for the wild just-out-of-bed look if I so choose to style it.  With this short hairdo, I had tried both the symmetrical and assymetrical cut (i.e. 1 side longer than the other).  I had to chop off the longer side eventually.  Lazy Serene found it too hard to maintain.  My favourite view of this style can be found here (I’m the one on the left).

The problem with short hair is that it has to be trimmed every month or so.  And each time I get it trimmed, it looks a little different from the last trim.

And so, I’m thinking of whether to keep this style or grow my hair out again.

I can’t decide!!!

Foreign Comments on Local Employment Issues do not Carry Weight

The recent event of a bunch of 171 SMRT PRC bus drivers going on strike interestingly caught the attention of international news agencies.  When I saw the news of the strike, the first thought that came to mind was… “oh please don’t turn violent and destroy the peace and harmony we have in Singapore.”  I didn’t think anyone outside of Singapore would pick up on the news and blow it up.

Employees being unhappy with pay and treatment happens all the time anywhere.  But I do not think that, generally speaking, Singapore has employers who abuse their employees big time.  Sure there are some ngiao (stingy) employers around.  But that is largely it.  For companies who violate employment laws, employees can approach the government for action to be taken and the govt has always been protective of employees in such circumstances.  I had some encounters as a HR personnel before.  We had encounters with staff who go to MOM… they normally “win” even when the company has already gone the extra mile to help the staff.  The company only wins the case if its a legal breach or integrity issue on the staff’s part.

Citing the SMRT incident, some of these foreign commentators (who are not HR practitioners) commented that Singapore lacked Human Rights (some strikers were arrested and others deported).  Some classified it as discrimination (PRCs have lower salaries although they are provided with lodging and transports which all other employees do not have).  Others couldn’t even get their facts right (they missed out the fact that PRCs were given lodging and transport whilst all other staff need to manage their own lodging and transport… and do these commentators know how expensive these are in Singapore?!?!?! Obviously not!!!).

The failure of the employer (SMRT) has caused our government to receive badgering from these commentators (who, due to lack of education, are badgering the wrong party).  The government is just executing law in a just manner.  The strike is illegal in Singapore whatever your reasons for it.  And I totally support what our government has been doing thus far.  Our fragile and tiny island has no room for hooliganism.

The employer should be dealt with separately.

I think the pay and benefits SMRT designed for their staff is pretty much the norm in Singapore… give and take a little of course.  There are so many possible causes of employees being unhappy.  Pay need not be the real reason… just an easy one.  It could be caused by insensitive communications… how the differences in salary packages were communicated to the staff population could have struck some nerves.  Or… it could be lack of a well publicised channel which staff could turn to for any grievances.  Or… it could be a lack of culture development programmes.  The PRCs obviously did not know or did not believe how serious their actions were because SMRT failed to assimilate them into the Singapore culture or Singapore employment laws.

To all those who think that the government is being too harsh, I hope that you will reconsider your stand and realise that it has to be this way.  Unlike large countries, we cannot give in to such behaviour as exhibited by these strikers.  A gathering of already-disgruntled people can cause further build up of unhappiness and tension that could result in violence and fragamentation in our society.  Do we really want this on our little island?  We must discourage such behaviour.  There are other ways to “make noise” and be heard which do not hurt others.

If the employer has not done their job well, they will have to bear the consequences at their end.  If the employees break the law, they have to bear the consequences of breaking the law.

The commentators should have been clear on this.

Related articles

• Singapore warns workers over “illegal” strike (bikyamasr.com)
• Singapore jails Chinese driver as labor unrest grows (bikyamasr.com)
• In depth: Singapore’s labor unrest grows, two more Chinese workers arrested (bikyamasr.com)
• China Expresses Concern as Singapore Charges Bus Drivers (bloomberg.com)
• Employee grievance handling advisory issued by employers federation (todayonline.com)
• SMRT drivers’ illegal strike a wake-up call for companies: Tan Chuan-Jin (todayonline.com)
• Chinese drivers go on strike in Singapore (wantchinatimes.com)